Thursday, September 10, 2009

I've neglected the blog! I've had a lot to say and share...but didn't know where to start or where to get the motivation. The last 3 years have been a very hard struggle in many ways...mentally, physically, emotionally...etc. I am thankful that at the start of it all I felt God's presence. I felt him say this is supposed to be happening and you will come out a happier, stronger person. I thought I knew exactly what God meant. I'm still a little confused about the way things seem to be's not what I thought he was showing me. But then, as humans, we have free will...and at some point the vision I had was my actions? outside force? I don't know...but what I do know is that during this time, my relationship with God has grown stronger and more fruitful. I've learned tons about myself. I know that eventually I will regain the parts of me I have lost.
I'm in overwhelmed mode right now. This summer we had all decided to move away...out of state. So we started to pack up non-essentials, purge, paint. We started off gung-ho but the motivation quickly faded. I saw life going in the wrong direction...I saw that as much as I wanted to steer in one direction, that was not the way we were heading. Tons of praying, thinking, planning...let to very difficult decisions. The outcome of these decisions have left me still moving (although just here in town), still packing, purging and painting...except now I'm doing it by pity needed (although I'll take a I feel like if I could stop time or take a week off, I could get caught up...but I can't...and as hard as I work at it, I'm just not close. This frustrates me to no end...cause I know I can do it...or I think I can. Anyway, I just want to be settled...not be a month behind on EVERYTHING. I want to have time to do things I like to do. Seems like my weekends consist of chores and kids activities. I don't mine either...but all the wearing. I have so many things I want to do. I have a secret project that I want to finish, of course scrapbooking (I'm years behind), take dance classes, workout, go out with friends, start making Christmas gifts and many things. I know the time will come...and when it does, I pray I have regained my health and can actually take advantage of the opportunity. No matter what I know that I'm seriously blessed with what I do have. Sometimes I can't believe how well my life has turned out even with all the crap. I mean how can I complain when I have food to eat everyday, a house...with a bed, 2 healthy and amazing children...a great job with the best boss in the world...I could go on. I'm tired, I hurt, but most of all I am happy with me. I don't think a lot of people get to say that. I think I'm very lucky to be in that place with myself...could be the 10 years of therapy...hmmmm .... lol :)


cable said...

Hey! Way to be happy with yourself! Hope to see you at Awanas this year!